Exit at the Admiralty Station

 It’s not enough to merely seek the truth or find the truth, but we must do so in love and in relationships. That's how science and art interplay. The former is about the truth and the latter is about love. -  David Roark, Alien and Time: The Philosophy of “Arrival”

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Thinking about you day by day. Missing you. Loving you. In my mind going over the last moments being together. 

As Billie Eilish said: "The sad thing is you actually don't know me. And I don't really know you. But obviously we are connected." 

Bilhorod-Dnistrovskyi fortress (also known as Akkerman fortress), south of Ukraine

I picture myself being in front of a massive fortress gate. The gates are locked and I can't get in. There is no way I can climb over the walls. It's very well built fortress, which protects its treasure - you, the real you. So I have to stand outside and wait for you; call you out with a hope that you will come. You did show up for a little while, but mostly from the observation tower at the top, and occasionally on the other side of the wall. You made yourself visible and seen, but from a distance. 

I tried to get to know real you through the observation. I did not feel right to ask you questions, such as: "What makes you so afraid?" or "What do you need a freedom for?" Perhaps because deep down I knew the outcome. 

It felt so nice to receive a gift from you - a book. It was touching to get it. To tell the truth, the book itself I did not like, because it seemed quite basic. But I appreciated the gesture and the effort you made to find it and bring it in person. Perhaps I was wrong to gift you that Tim Ferriss book you did not want and could not enjoy reading. So I get it now what it feels like to receive something you don't want or need, but understanding that the person had its best intentions. From book gifts, I'd prefer philosophers on existentialism, like Martin Heidegger or Michel Foucault. Consider this piece:

"In his famous text Being and Time, Heidegger analyzes the idea of Being. Within this analysis, he argues that to understand what it means to be a human being and to achieve authenticity, we must live in light of our death. This concept of being works from a different understanding of time—a nonlinear understanding that transcends a standard notion of past, present and future. Instead, being-towards-death sees everything in relation to the now, specifically our mortality. According to Heidegger, as finite beings, we must confront our finitude and forge meaning through the reality of death—this is how we find true joy and freedom, true Being."

Are you trying to escape from that fortress, from those walls that you built, but you don't know how? Did you build those walls to survive? Do you feel safe hanging in there? Putting yourself to the world outside might be scary and sorta 'life-threatening'. However, you have a courage to try, which I admire. I've got an impression that you want more. 

Or is it simply a little boring to be within the walls all the time? Is that all you want - 'a little more fun'? Would you ever abandon the walls? Would you ever want to abandon the walls?

It seems like you prefer to be in control. Because that brings a sense of safety (and superiority)? The way how you chose to show up, how you controlled it - that gave me quite a bit of frustrated feelings. Was it a game for you, a mental exercise? Did you feel superior and get a sense of achievement that you could figure out some part of me? And did you use that just to play?  

In thoughts about you. Dubai Old Souq Marine, June 2021

To me, living without walls is a real freedom and the way I am. I don't think and feel that I need walls. Facing a wall is not something unusual, many people do that to protect themselves. But in the context with you, I did not know how to handle it. 

Yes, I do not need and want walls, but I do need and want a human-to-human connection. I wanted to know real authentic you. Not you within the walls. Just you without them. But you chose not to show up this way. That upset me quite a bit, made me feel not trusted and not worthy of you. It is a sad place to be. So I got frustrated and moody. What kind of freedom is that if I only have one way to go and that way is defined by you?  

Being free means losing the control. Not holding it so tight. You can't control freedom. You can guard your freedom, you can fight for your freedom, but you can't control it. So getting okay being in unsafe and uncertain environments, being vulnerable, - going through such experiences is what will bring you freedom. But who am I to 'preach' to you about freedom?  

Maybe I wasn't enough to provide a good sense of safety and create an environment where you would feel comfortable to open up. Maybe you simply weren't ready or interested in that. Or it's both. Yet I know that I was being myself. I did the best I could and felt appropriate. 

Calm water and thinking of you. June 2021

The reason why I write this is because I still love you. And it is deep. I admire you for striving, for the courage to embark on this journey, for showing up at the top of the tower, on the other side of the wall. I felt and saw genuine beautiful side of you, to which I got so much drawn and fell for. Like the way you spoke about that Chinese-French artist, the art piece you liked and how you related to it. You were so charming, the real you. The one without walls or a mask. 

But at that moment, at the Admiralty station, I had to face the reality and let my illusions go. Especially how you handled it afterwards with a complete withdrawal. It felt like you gave up. Even as we don't give each other any promises, but it doesn't cancel the fact that it hurts. 

In relation between me and you - it feels as I am the one standing outside of the walls. It seems as I am waiting for real you to show up and just feel grateful for that when it happens. 

At the time of writing, I am feeling sad that we did not work it out. Psychologists define five stages of grief. So I am going through it.  

I might got you wrong with everything I wrote above. Perhaps you had the best intentions and your reasons to be and do this way. But does it matter? The only thing that matters now is I have to learn how to walk away for good. I have to learn to let you go, set you free, not holding on so tight, not trying to control. It's for the best of both of us. 

I still have much to learn what freedom means and what it means to love. I will re-read that book more carefully. Thank you for this experience, lessons and journey. I wish you will find a true love and freedom. I wish you to be happy. 

Goodbye, dear B. 

With love,

S. 

***

June, 2021 - Dubai, the UAE